A Taxonomy of Conflict
Conflict is part of our experience from the earliest years. Consider sibling rivalry, a reality so ingrained in human nature that the story of Cain and Abel appears in a text nearly three thousand years old. And interpersonal conflict continues throughout our lives—at work, at home, and elsewhere.
When we grow up a little, we begin to play team sports. We learn to cooperate with others to defeat a common foe. We learn that victory is even sweeter when we can share it with our teammates. And if we are fortunate, we gain an appreciation for the strengths and contributions of others, as well as an awareness of our own strengths and weaknesses.
But some people never move beyond external conflict to the struggle waged within. Crushing the competition in the marketplace or cheering for their favorite athletic team is the furthest they go. But in comparison with external conflicts, our interior battles are just as real, and in the final analysis, even more important. Some understand this as competing with yourself.
The self-help industry knows how real this is. There are thousands of books dedicated to helping their readers overcome inner adversity, many of which are quite useful. Meditation in the pursuit of mindfulness is also a very helpful tactic. But one of the limitations of consuming self-help or even practicing meditation is that these can remain solitary activities. Even the most self-disciplined people profit from involving others in their inner game.
Two or more heads are almost always better than one, and no one needs to struggle alone. There are many—coaches, therapists, etc.—that can provide the kind of support and challenge we need to grow, thrive, and win within.
Here’s a visual summary of this taxonomy of conflict:
No number of external victories can compensate for inner defeat. True competitive greatness and the most meaningful victories always involve an interior game, not just an external one, and that inner game doesn’t need to be a solo sport. You can assemble your own band of brothers (or sisters) to challenge and support you.
I would be honored to be one of them.
Thanks for sharing this chart. It is very thought-provoking. It is such an important topic because conflict is unavoidable and often leads to suffering. Resolving it is the the “task within the task” of life. In looking at your chart I’m wondering where the spiritual journey might fit? Like solitary prayer or participating in group religious experiences. I know that this might be out of the remit of a coach or therapist, but at least acknowledging their usefulness is helpful. Also I’d add volunteering to help others in need as a healing activity for both recipient and provider. Thanks again for your insights. You have a great way of giving great perspectives on solutions.
Petro, thanks for your comment and the insightful question. As an answer, I’m sharing below a paragraph from the original draft of this post, which I cut to make the post shorter and applicable to a wider audience. I hope you find it edifying and that you will let me know what you think:
It’s worth mentioning that there is an extra dimension, a wrinkle in the distinction between external and internal conflict for some people of faith. These people have an awareness of external enemies (demons) that fight on an internal battlefield (the believer’s mind). This displacement makes it very difficult to identify the enemies’ activity and distinguish it from one’s natural psychological weaknesses or even one’s own thoughts. The insidious stealth of these enemies and the great difficulty of recognizing their activity means that the faithful person who fights alone, without a team of at least one powerful ally, is doomed to defeat. C. S. Lewis’ classic _The Screwtape Letters_ is in part a literary expression of this idea.