A Taxonomy of Conflict

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Conflict is part of our experience from the earliest years. Consider sibling rivalry, a reality so ingrained in human nature that the story of Cain and Abel appears in a text nearly three thousand years old. And interpersonal conflict continues throughout our lives—at work, at home, and elsewhere.

When we grow up a little, we begin to play team sports. We learn to cooperate with others to defeat a common foe. We learn that victory is even sweeter when we can share it with our teammates. And if we are fortunate, we gain an appreciation for the strengths and contributions of others, as well as an awareness of our own strengths and weaknesses.

But some people never move beyond external conflict to the struggle waged within. Crushing the competition in the marketplace or cheering for their favorite athletic team is the furthest they go. But in comparison with external conflicts, our interior battles are just as real, and in the final analysis, even more important. Some understand this as competing with yourself.

The self-help industry knows how real this is. There are thousands of books dedicated to helping their readers overcome inner adversity, many of which are quite useful. Meditation in the pursuit of mindfulness is also a very helpful tactic. But one of the limitations of consuming self-help or even practicing meditation is that these can remain solitary activities. Even the most self-disciplined people profit from involving others in their inner game.

Two or more heads are almost always better than one, and no one needs to struggle alone. There are many—coaches, therapists, etc.—that can provide the kind of support and challenge we need to grow, thrive, and win within.

Here’s a visual summary of this taxonomy of conflict:

No number of external victories can compensate for inner defeat. True competitive greatness and the most meaningful victories always involve an interior game, not just an external one, and that inner game doesn’t need to be a solo sport. You can assemble your own band of brothers (or sisters) to challenge and support you.

I would be honored to be one of them.

Grateful Winners

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I want to be like Mike. No, not Michael Jordan. There’s another Mike I know, who also happens to be a fierce competitor on the basketball court. He’s more than a few years older than me but plays—and works—with greater intensity than people half his age. He also happens to be one of the nicest and most thankful people you’ll ever meet. 

Competitive intensity and gratitude are a powerful combination, providing healthy, humble balance to those who practice them. Without the drive to win, we accomplish far less. Without thankfulness, our accomplishments can lessen us. How? Those accomplishments can easily produce arrogance and fuel greed. Gratitude is an inoculation against those.

To be a grateful winner is a bit paradoxical. Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham write that a grateful mindset is “the opposite of the stubborn conviction that sees all goods as winnings.” This can be difficult. After all, was it not your effort that produced the results? Was it not your diligence that created something of high quality? Was it not your competitive greatness that resulted in a win? Well, yes—at least in part. But focusing only on our own contributions to achievements can cut us off from others and erode relationships.

So how can one become a more grateful winner? Here are three ideas:

  1. Ask, “Where did that come from?” If you’ve just experienced a win, it may very well be due in large part to your effort, talent, or expertise. But ask yourself, “Where did that (effort, talent, expertise, etc.) come from?” Keep asking that question about every answer to that question, and eventually you’ll almost certainly find someone who gave you a gift. 
  2. Be grateful for your adversaries. After all, without them there wouldn’t be a game. There wouldn’t be a scoreboard. And there wouldn’t be winners and losers. The very experience of victory depends on the existence of an adversary. It doesn’t make any sense to love victory and hate the adversary that makes it possible.
  3. Celebrate your wins with generosity. Winning can isolate you. It separates you from the losers. Sharing the joy of victory with others reconnects us. It also completes a virtuous cycle: having recognized the gifts we’ve received that enabled us to win, we can make our gratitude more real by giving to others. And that feels good.

Sometimes an illustration communicates better than words. At a certain monastery in Greece, there is a beloved icon of the Virgin Mary. If a visitor to this place looks closely, he will find hanging across the bottom of this icon an Olympic bronze medal among the other precious items offered there—clearly given by a grateful winner.