Your Anti-Hero
In October of 2022, Taylor Swift released her album Midnights, which contains the hit song “Anti-Hero.”1 Part of this musical poem’s brilliance is that it’s a personal confession of a universal truth, namely that there’s an anti-hero in all of us.
That’s not a very comfortable truth to admit, as Swift does with endearingly playful and sardonic honesty. It’s a lot easier to listen to someone else sing about her emotional struggles and relationship-sabotaging behavior than to face our own. The song is a hit because it hits home for anyone with some self-awareness.
We’d rather see ourselves as the hero of our own story, not the anti-hero; entire marketing programs2 are built on this principle. But the truth is not so simple. The paradox is that we’re both heroes and anti-heroes, or if you will, there’s a hero and an anti-hero within each of us. It’s why Swift can lament getting older but never wiser; why she can identify the prices, vices, and crisis associated with her own devices; and why she can ultimately confess that she’s the problem.
Why do we stare at the sun but not in the mirror? Looking in the mirror can be scary, but perhaps the more powerful reason is that looking in the mirror is lonely. The beginning of a new year, which you may have celebrated on a midnight not long ago, is a natural time for reflection and resolution to change. In 2023, I hope you’ll decide to get to know your anti-hero better, and I hope you’ll also find a trustworthy, empathetic person—a therapist, mentor, counselor, coach, or just a true friend—to be a living mirror for you.
Best wishes for this new year!
Generosity is Personal
As someone who values generosity, I wish I could be more enthusiastic about “Giving Tuesday” than I am. After all, what could be bad about a national day of giving, the development of a cultural consciousness that generosity deserves our attention?
Personally, it’s easy for me to feel a bit overwhelmed (and sometimes annoyed) by all the emails I receive on the Tuesday after Thanksgiving. I’ve become painfully aware that as a fundraiser I have at times contributed to this deluge of messaging that I myself dislike to receive—seemingly out of fear of missing out in a mad scramble for dollars at the kickoff of the holiday season, which doesn’t at all feel in sync with an “abundance mindset.” For me, it all boils down to feeling a little depersonalized through the “Giving Tuesday” experience (created and driven by the internet) and this is a problem for a very simple reason:
Generosity is personal.
From this principle, developed in various ways in an excellent class* I recently took, here are three powerful insights I intend to carry forward in my work as a fundraiser:
- The donor’s personal interests and motivations are always what’s most important. This may seem basic, but I struggled with it at first. I thought, “Does this mean my organization has to cater to every special interest of every potential donor?” No. If a potential donor’s interest isn’t aligned with your organization’s values and mission, that donation is simply not for you. Which leads to the second insight:
- A fundraiser’s goal should be to find the best match for a donor’s gift—even if the recipient is not the fundraiser’s organization. If the first insight freed me from the fear of compromising values and mission, this one was even more liberating. The reason is twofold: first, it is a great expression of an abundance mindset (as opposed to one of scarcity), and second, it enables a fundraiser to embody the values about which she or he speaks—or in my case, preaches.
- A fundraiser’s personal attachments may be the biggest obstacle to generosity. For me, this was the chief takeaway from the class, at the beginning of which I shared that fundraising was something I “despised”—a strong word but perhaps not inaccurate at that time. As things turned out, it was mainly my ignorance, vainglory, and pride that drove this antipathy toward the practice of fundraising. I am so much more comfortable now with the prospect of talking to people about money and giving, especially since I’ve been freed from the mistaken notion that such conversations must have the goal of persuading people to give more to my cause. They absolutely don’t.
You may have a great experience of “Giving Tuesday” next week, receiving anticipated and welcomed messages from organizations with which you have a strong and positive connection. You might also appreciate the way these email messages have been organized to coalesce in your inbox during the week after Thanksgiving so you can see all your giving options at the same time.
But if your experience is like mine has been, next week’s messages could leave you feeling about as lukewarm as leftover turkey. And this would be a problem if you have a generous heart, if you feel the desire to give for any reason whatsoever—if for example you are thankful for the blessings you’ve received, or if you are passionate in the best sense about an important cause. If that’s the case, don’t let the “Giving Tuesday” blues get the best of you and discourage you from giving. Reach out to a likeminded friend for a conversation or to a generous fundraiser who will help you find a good match for your gift.
Because generosity is personal. Our giving is an expression of what we value and what we want. It can help solve problems. It can help balance inequity. It shows that we care about something bigger than ourselves.
Happy Thanksgiving—and happy giving!
* https://lakeinstitute.org/education/executive-certificate-in-religious-fundraising/
The Power of Positive Peer Pressure
For the first time in my now middle-aged life, I recently ran a half marathon. If you would have asked me a year ago what I thought of such athletic endeavors, I might have called them a popular form of torture. So what in the world could have inspired me to do this?
Positive peer pressure.
A friend invited and challenged me to train for the race and run it with her. Knowing her enthusiasm for athletic feats, I said, “Sure. Why not?” She sent me a training plan, and we began to train, each in our own cities. On the day of the half marathon, as we were preparing to drive downtown to the starting line, she told me she had decided not to run due to an injury from which she had not sufficiently recovered. It was wise not to tell me beforehand. Already dressed and ready to go, I wouldn’t back out—despite the freakish cold front that had dropped the temperature to 33º on a March morning in Alabama.
And so with all the other runners, I gathered in downtown Montgomery for the start of the race. I had trained at just under a blazing fast 12 minutes per mile, so I placed myself between the appropriate pacing groups and waited for the gun to crack the air. We were off, and more motivated than ever not to stop, for who would want to walk in such cold?
It turned out to be a lovely jog through the city. I had gotten the clothing right and was warm enough. The course was laid out well. The water stations were adequate—and it gave me joy to see a few parishioners of the small Greek Orthodox community where I serve part-time staffing the first water station. Of course, the half marathon wasn’t without its challenges: running up the hill and over the interstate on Perry Street at mile 10 was brutal, as was the wind on the overpass. At no other point did I want so much to stop.
But I didn’t stop. I ran the whole thing, 13.1 miles. And (probably due in part to adrenaline) at an average mile pace 30 seconds faster than that at which I had trained.
All because of positive peer pressure. And fittingly for this reflection, my training partner met me at mile 12 and ran the last mile with me.
I’m not sure I’ll ever run another half marathon. If I reach old age, I’d like to enjoy the functioning of my knees without unnecessary pain. But the whole experience was an immensely gratifying achievement. I hope I never forget it and that I apply the lesson and strategy of positive peer pressure over and over again. And as you, dear reader, work toward your goals, which are often in a “discomfort zone” if they truly have transformative potential, I hope you will remember the immense power of positive peer pressure and consider ways to give yourself this incredible support for your challenge.
May your efforts be blessed!